Wisdom and Tea: Reflections of Muslim Home-making Moms

Think. Learn. Act. Remind.

And They Lived Happily Ever After…..Or Did They?


So you have found that perfect someone, the man of your dreams, that someone who has been made just for you and, best of all, you are getting married to him. Your life from henceforth will be perfect, you can just picture the kind of family you will have with him. So how did you two meet and how did you fall for each other? You were introduced by a mutual friend and from the moment you laid eyes on each other you knew soemthing would click. After the formal introductions you got talking and then there was no looking back. He could make you laugh, you loved the same movies, he really, really ‘understood’ you, he got you as a person, you could share everything with him and then you knew that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. So the day he proposed you said ‘yes’ without hesitation.

Fastforward to present day. You are having your third child and you know it is a girl, but you dare not tell your husband. Why? Because he has told you a hundred times that this time it better be a boy. Why did you miss seeing this about him before getting married? And what about the time when your parents had come over to your house for a visit and he had not even come out from the room and met them because the two of you had a spat that very morning? Why did you not see this when you were laughing at his jokes during your courtship? Were your common interests of any consequence when he told you that he wanted a car which your father would pay for? Did you ever think that you even stopped respecting him the day you saw him curse the driver for not cleaning the car properly, or was it the day he snubbed your father for reminding him that he was responsible for bringing the bread home and not you, or maybe it was the day he didn’t smile, maybe even frowned, when your second daughter came along. Will the money which he brings home be the kind you can bring up your children on? Will it be free from bribery, from usurpery, from corruption?

Do you think, if given a second chance, you would say yes even if he was the funniest person alive or if he had read exactly the same books you had read, seen exactly the same movies you had seen, loved exactly the same music which you loved or even if he understood your deepest feelings? If only you knew that years later he would never care what you are feeling anyway?

So what should you have been looking for when you met him in the first place? Topmost, I would say, you should have seen if he cared and looked after his parents and fulfilled all his responsibilities as a son. Secondly, in his circle of friends, you could have found out if he had ever treated anyone badly and, if so, for what reason and whether it was his fault or not. Thirdly, you could have seen how he treated other people in front of you whether friends, servants, colleagues, beggars i.e. anyone and how he dealt with them. Pointless rudeness towards anyone would have been a surefire red signal for you. Fourthly you could have judged him when he was talking about other people. Was he being compassionate or was he just ridiculing and criticising others? How often did he mention his duties towards others and how often did he mention others’ duties towards him? The former should definitely be more than the latter. And above all how many times did you feel ,even if he never mentioned it, the underlying fear in him that if he did any wrong God would judge him on the last day?

I just hope the coming generation learns to focus on what’s important when choosing a life-partner. It could help towards a better and long-lasting relationship if one chooses well. Love is so over-rated today that it almost hurts to see its inadequacy in the context of marriage. Love without respect is nothing and you can only respect one who fears the wrath of God for any wrong-doing which he is about to commit. Without that you only love a person who loves himself above anybody else.

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